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[01 Mar 2009|04:15pm] |
I stumbled across a huge smattering of old emails today.
Ones from as far back as 2002-2003.
Goddamn there were some things about me that were so fucked up back then. I lived such a lame life. If I could go back, oh man. It seems like the main damaging point in my life at the time was that I gave too much a fuck about women. The one massive heartbreak I suffered then pretty much turned me into a gigantic womanizing asshole--just like every other guy.
I am left trying to go to sleep with the thought of, "what if?"
What if I had turned my shitty life around back then? What if I had smoked weed much earlier, started drinking sooner. Gotten out of my shell more quickly. Would I have been better off? Would I still be a Marine in Iraq?
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[04 Oct 2008|01:43am] |
I fucking hate when you're wrong, you know you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do to save grace.
So I'm going to go with, "I'm fucking pissed off."
But you know what I hate even more? Losing my composure and initiative. Now I feel fucked.
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| Waiting for the meltdown |
[26 Jul 2008|12:14am] |
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music |
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A Northern Chorus - Fragile Day |
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Save your eyes,
you're blind.
This world's so confined
with people with rage for life
(They're wasting our time)
It's been a long time since I've posted here.
I sit here talking to one more girl/women. This one the latest in a long line. I wonder how long it will be before I consider her not up to the task of keeping mentally level with me.
Maybe I should go back to going for "smart" "cultured" girls. You know, the psychotic ones who cheat and lie. I suppose that implies something about MY mental level.
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| Hardly Victory |
[29 Jan 2008|05:03pm] |
So, it's been a half year or more since I last updated this thing. I joined the Marine Corps. I made it through basic, MCT, and now I'm at my MOS school in Pensacola, Florida. No, I'm not an aviation weiner, I'm a Signals Intelligence weenie.
I promise I'll go into explicit detail next post. Or you could check my Mice Pace--Myspace.
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[03 Jun 2007|09:57pm] |
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I'm watching Episode III after a long and pretty eventful weekend and I'm realizing how clumsy the fucking dialogue is. srsly, clumsy clumsy clumsy. Like me in certain social situations.
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[24 May 2007|03:06pm] |
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music |
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Ted Leo & The Pharmacists |
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So yeah, the last few nights have been pretty fun. My only complaint is we need more people and less people that bail early.
You know, since May 3rd I think there have been fewer than 3 days where I haven't had a drink of alcohol.
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[18 May 2007|11:40pm] |
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This place is so petty.
I feel guilty about telling people to fuck off, not because of any moral stance or anything... but because I know my karma will take yet another hit as I hurt another person's feelings.
And most of the friends and associates I have here, well, I haven't been able to take anyone seriously in so long.
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[13 May 2007|10:33pm] |
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Not a good week.
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| "What do you think? You think a princess and a guy like me--" "No." |
[26 Apr 2007|09:22pm] |
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Really no one reads this anymore, which is probably for the better. That's why I like to put MOAR TOP SEKRAT INFO that is too sensitive for Myspaceland. I actually wrote a pretty successful account of a uh, "minor" road rage incident that took place on Monday. It got over 300 separate users viewing it (holy CRAP... that's like everyone on my friends list has seen it) within two days. There's probably some out there who would admonish me for taking pride in that, but seriously, cool it, because I like for people to read what I write, especially when it's that funny/fucked up.
But anyway, my life has been going pretty decently, I guess. School's been tough, and I'm really hoping that I WILL get that 2.3 GPA I was aiming for. Sounds lame, doesn't it? That's how badly I suck at school, even at the community college level.
But thankfully, that's about to be over; unless I convince myself to take a summer class -- I probably will.
I've started hanging out more with Jacob, John, David and his cadre of people -- those people in the Gulfport area. I guess I'm too "hot" of an item to be dealt with in St Martin, or something.
"Hot item". Heh, that's me. I'll try to be as mysterious about this as possible. Basically I'm a major whore. But it's okay for a guy to be a whore, right? Right. I guess. It pisses me off because right now I'm trying to avoid all that, but suddenly several people want to sleep with me -- don't worry, I'm being extremely safe now.
Also of note, over the past few weeks I've developed a crush on someone (designation: Scarlet). What's significant about this is that this was the first schoolboy crush I've had in a very long time -- since senior year. Of course, she's quite unattainable too. It kind of fizzled out when I asked my friend about her, and he said the words "judgmental" and "will turn her back on you the second you don't comply to her standards", which turned me off pretty quickly. I really wouldn't want another Anna on my hands. Girls really piss me off. They're so easy and stupid, but the ones who I'd love to date and take seriously are usually fuckfaces toward me. That's probably how it is for everyone. It's just so ridiculous though how two people on similar mental planes can never make relationships together happen. Okay, VERY FEW people are anywhere near the same mental plane as me, but you get the idea.
So, I guess it's back to not giving a fuck about females.
On that topic, I've been reading Tucker Max's book, "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", which is an extremely entertaining read. Unfortunately, I seem to be a lot like him (only he's amplified a lot more). I just hope as I grow up I don't become more and more like him. Sure, he's had a lot of fun... but Christ on a cracker. If nothing else, I have to agree with a lot of his points and observations of women. That's pretty disheartening, and has left me convinced that while I will continue racking up a lot of sexual conquests, I'll never find someone to be content with.
I'm just too girl crazy on LJ.
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| I don't love anyone |
[22 Mar 2007|11:51am] |
I love the "Restore Draft" function on LJ, because it allows me to see what the hell I almost posted last time I almost posted something on here.
The last time I almost posted something was when I was trying to write about "The Glass Managerie" and how I had hooked up with this chunky short little girl (designation: Romero) that actually seemed kind of interesting. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Funny how things change -- not that I really wanted to date her, but it's funny how I have yet another person who dislikes me. I've also cut ties with more "friends", and I don't regret it one bit. I've also gotten closer to a few newer friends.
Anyway, I've also decided to join the Marines (Marines are water units, so they're strong against ground-type Pokemon!), a decision I'm becoming more and more keen on. I've significantly ramped up my exercise routines (though I've almost stopped lifting weights entirely and concentrating on cardio and pushups, situps, etc).
In fact, I'm about to go for a run now. Later.
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| Putz |
[18 Feb 2007|11:33am] |
I logged into Livejournal for the first time in a while and noticed an ad for "Livejournal Chat", which sells itself as "Faster Drama". It occurred to me that livejournal.com, once the epicenter for needless internet nitpicking, was hoping to sell itself as that again -- only this time in chat form. Too little, too late for them, with the advent of Myspace.com, at least.
Too little, too late. There's a lot of that going around. The Navy has still not gotten back to me, and I think the next time I'm in Mobile I'm going to talk to The Coast Guard. I just want to get out of here. People here are all so damned UNINTERESTING -- not to mention, uninterested in me; which is just as well. The majority of people I meet here just seem to be able to be placed in a certain group or stereotype, none of which I seem to occupy (although I can't think of a time when I ever really was a member of a "clique", stereotype, etc), and therefore I seem to be quite unable to make and keep friends for long periods of time beyond isolated individuals.
Then again, I don't really have a wish to join such groups -- I think I'm becoming more and more elitist and snooty, holding everyone to high or specific standards; ones that I only am capable of holding to.
Or maybe most of the people here really are just not even worthy of knowing.
Whatever the case, this trend extends to dating and relationships; certainly in regards to the Katie fiasco. A day after our breakup (which, I'd like to remind everyone in the readership, all two of you, she fully perpetrated), her semi-friend, whom she apparently regards(ed) in high esteem, invited me over to her house. Within hours, we kissed. Leaving thoroughly disgusted with myself (although not necessarily because of what my recent ex might think... she did, after all, break up with me) and smelling like an ashtray, it was then that I decided that I should stop repeating history.
To what extent Katie is knowledgeable, I'm unsure, but by morning I was greeted by several messages from her saying how she was sure "God had sent a mission force of beautiful girls to make you forget all about me" (her words, not mine). Ah, but she was only half right! Or maybe one-quarter right. Now, I can't say I didn't miss her some (I didn't really have any desire to break up with her), but I was more mad than anything at her by that point. I politely reminded her that she was the one who claimed that her having bipolar disorder ("I thought I told you I had it") and family troubles is what apparently led her to say that a "long break was in order", which to me means "Let's end things on polite terms and go our separate ways". But again, I don't think anything can ever end peacefully with me, for soon she began throwing distasteful (and often nonsensical) insults toward me (I can only assume she found out). Naturally, I responded with my legendary (and truthful) criticism, which only worked to outwardly anger her more and inwardly destroy her self-worth. But to be honest, the whole thing was just plain silly (on my side too). After about a week of this silly bullshit, of which I have already dealt with countless times before, I bid her fuckin' adieu by way of well-wishing for her future with her new boyfriend (a gentlemen stupider, uglier, and more stoned than I) living 600 miles away, and stopped responding to her messages. I have done my best to be polite and nice to all of her friends, as well as her family (her mom came in one day and asked me why she had not seen her daughter in almost two weeks, to which I replied with "Well ma'am, I wouldn't know.")
I later found out the real reason for our splitting apart was because she wanted to get back into drugs and cigarettes (the original reason I dated her was because she promised to stop smoking and made it a point to appear to be taking steps to improve her life), and I was simply serving as a troublesome, preventative anchor to those ends.
Needless to say, I had picked yet another winner.
Subsequent interests have quickly waned (though not due to any sentimentality toward girlfriends past), and I am for once "single and lovin' it".
The point to that too-fucking-long exposition is that these events and more have led me to call a cessation of anymore attempts at romance or philandering in this area, lest I pick up anymore wayward sociopaths, and hopefully someday I will pick up a mythical "good girl" (I go to church, and have a distaste for the snobbery that passes for "good" there amongst the cadres of females my age there) which I can "settle down" (the duality of this word induces chuckles) with, but first, I'd like to be able to become a person who is light-years ahead of the current me -- primarily because I'm not PROUD of the current me in the least, despite my supposed "intellectual superiority" over almost everyone.
To this end, I have begun working out in earnest, as well as preparing myself to join the Navy (slash Coast Guard), and pushing myself in school -- by far the biggest challenge. My goal? Well, I don't really have a well-ordered and specified one, except that I want to be respected far more than I feel I currently am by society at large.
BECAUSE LIKE ALI G SAID, RESPEK IS EVERYTING.
I suppose it would be counterintuitive to say that I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone.
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| Powder Keg |
[08 Jan 2007|08:46pm] |
I love it.
I love it when the second I begin having relationship issues, new girls come out of the woodwork and offer "aid".
I also love it when I try my best to make a decision on what to do without hurting anyone, but I know someone's always going to have to lose when someone else wins.
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[17 Nov 2006|12:05am] |
Recently, I've gotten questioned a couple times about why I really don't hang out with anyone I hung out with during the summer.
The answer is a relatively simple one: The people I hung out with or paid any attention to at all during the summer were (for the most part) cowards, liars, and generally subhuman pieces of white trash.
I don't think I could make it anymore simple than that.
My dad offered to trade cars with me the other day (his Grand Marquis for my Sentra). Short of typical Ford electrical problems, the car runs better than mine does.
Today I kept daydreaming about if I owned a cop car. I would call it "Leviathan" and put a cool sea-monster decal on it. Everyone would know when the Leviathan showed up.
Niggers would start to mumble. They'd wanna rumble. I'd cook 'em and mix 'em in a pot like gumbo.
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[27 Sep 2006|10:17pm] |
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I had a great time with my girlfriend; get over it, faggots.
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| I would (if I could) |
[24 Sep 2006|10:28pm] |
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music |
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Copeland - Pin Your Wings (Acoustic Version) |
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In my last entry, I detailed how my life wasn't going so good. Well, before this weekend, it still really wasn't.
Thursday
Woke up, stretched, did the treadmill for two miles, many sit-ups, pushups, etc. Felt pretty good.
The only thing I remember that day that was really noteworthy was seeing the movie National Lampoon's "Going the Distance" while doing nothing at work. For some reason, that movie (like any teen-sex comedy road trip movie) just put me in a good mood. I don't think anyone else in the world outside of Canada has seen or heard of it--and if they had, they'd probably tell you how badly it sucked. Then Kristin and I talked on the phone for a long long time.
Friday
I woke up excited as hell. Why? Because I had a big day ahead. Went to school, bragged about how I was going to have shower sex with my girlfriend to my uncaring schoolmates, then shuttled off back home.
I don't think I ever got ready in so short amount of time. I unloaded all non-essentials from my car, caught the begining of Lean on Me, then loaded all the stuff I would need for 3 days, plus more--I knew I'd probably need to change clothes more than once. ;D
And so final checklists were completed, engine was started, and I took off for the longest car drive I've ever attempted. I took it slow at first: 70 with AC on until I hit Mobile where, as Han Solo would say, "the fun begins". Traffic was relatively average in Mobile, and so I put my windows down and sped up to around 75-80 for the remainder of the trip.
It's surprising how long 170 miles or so can seem. I made two stops: one outside MOBIBLBIELE to piss, and another about 50 miles (I think it was Stock-something) outside of MontgoMartinLutherKingmery. Drove through MonCivilRightstgomNiggermery, avoiding assholes who couldn't drive, past Tuskegee, where black people swarm, and finally made it to Auburn.
From there, Kristin and I had so much fun together. :D!
-> Ruby Tuesday (I know, you can eat at a Ruby Tuesday anywhere) with her roommates.
-> Her female roommate was the most incorrigibly obnoxious piece of crap. Think a manatee that can't shut the fuck up about Fashion Marketing--so think my ex-girlfriend Jess but even more stupid and smarmy. This girl started an argument about why Kristin locks the door. A 10-minute argument. With herself.
-> Her male roommate enjoys videogames, his girlfriend, and pissing off the above manatee; so naturally, me and him got along well.
-> Hanging out on her balcony sipping red wine and fruit juice-flavored vodka. Listening to some cover band about a quarter mile away and talking most of the the night.
Saturday
-> Morning breath kisses
-> Brickoven Pizza = Like Mellow, but bettarrrrr
-> Stroll through the humble mall complex, followed by a stroll through Books-Not-Enough.
-> Showering about 3 times that day.
-> By this time, we had lost count of how many times we engaged in extracurricular activities. :O
-> Just spending time watching TV and enjoying each other's company.
-> Going to a REALLY fancy-pants Italian place and enjoying the best Ceasar Salad I've ever eaten (I've eaten less than 10 through the course of my lifetime).
-> Going to sleep a little early (11pm), cuddling and such.
Sunday
Another shot at Brickoven, and then back to the condo to clean up and get ready to leave. Oh! I didn't want to leave! But I had to, and so did around 2:30, which was about an hour and a half later than I expected. The drive home was good up until I passed Mobile... from there it seemed to take forever, even though I was doing 78 by now. Got home, called Kristin, then pretty much fell asleep.
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| "All my bones are dust" |
[11 Sep 2006|10:05pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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Black Flag - Nervous Breakdown |
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I'm supposed to be writing a paper for Oral Communication about Jerry Seinfeld. Well, not a paper, but an outline. I've got no fucking clue what I'm going to say other than "What... IS the DEAL?"
What is the deal with my life?
->A good friend has cancer. I found out today that he'll be fine, but Christ! 22 and cancer? What the fuck.
->Another friend from that area is about ready to divorce the "love of his life". Actually they live in Richmond now. Regardless, I can't stand hearing about it, honestly. Not because I hate either of them, but because they obviously both love, and hate, each other. I'm not even sure whether to endorse or object to the planned divorce. I remember seeing them together in high school, right before they graduated. They hated each other at first, and then overnight literally fell in love. The stuff of legends. And I see where they are now, and tears really come to my eyes. Why? Because that kind of love, that kind of opposites attract, that kind of "prevail above all odds" romance is something I personally have always wanted and fought for. That's what romance is all about. It's never worked out for me, and the more I hear about it, the more I doubt it will for Trent and Amanda. I mean... if they divorce... they're both be screwed. Goddammit!
-> A former "best" friend committed what I view as probably the ultimate betrayal--twice over. I can't help but wonder what is going through his mind when he looks into this slut's (and I don't mean in a sexual sense... I mean in a worse, more emotional way) eyes, knowing that about a month ago I was looking into those same eyes and baring my soul--as she was "supposedly" doing the same. Truly fucking disgusting people inhabit this world, and I happened to befriend one and date another. And yet, somehow I'm still the psycho bad guy. Fuck that, hard.
And as for the little shitbag herself, I thought this astrology bullshit was funny.
Cancer and Taurus were just plain born for each other. With this in mind woe is either one if this sun sign relationship does not work out! Just as the love between these two will be the stuff of legends, so will the conflict. The reason for this is that even in hate, there will still be love, and this will be very confusing for both of them, the confusion will translate to fear, and this will make the conflict brutal.
Fear's got nothing to do with it. If I see her, I will destroy her, somehow. I daydreamed today about how I would do that--I can't decide whether it would be a good old fashioned punch in the throat followed by an elbow drop, or the new dropkick that I learned in the Maddox book. So I guess I can safely say I have never hated anyone more in my entire life. Brutal would be an understatement. And there is no love; none. So, half-victory of astrology, perhaps?
And yeah, I know. "I'm a monster"
But guess whose bullshit and games created it. Thank you, trusted confidants.
-> My car... first the oil problem. Then the fuel filter--possibly fuel pump. Then the valve covers. Then I try to get an alignment and I need new fucking screws (or something) just to be able to adjust everything. And now... BOTH sets of keys for my car are broken. And apparently it's my fault. All my parents ever do is blame my car problems on me. I drive better than BOTH of those stupid fuckers. They let me know repeatedly that if "the Sentra shits the bed, you GOT NOTHING". So now, everytime I talk about my car, I just say "SHUT THE FUCK UP NO I'M A PRETTY DECENT DRIVER". It's actually worked so far: they shut the fuck up temporarily.
-> Work is nothing but stupidity. I wonder why I even bother to clock in or show up. My manager steals shit and takes all the sales. I sit around on Wikipedia and learn Mexican and deal with depressing irate people. It's not even busy... just depressing, like the rest of my life.
-> School? I'm struggling as always. I wonder more and more how long I will be able to hold on (or rather keep my attention). I seriously want to join the Coast Guard now. Nothing holds me back really.
This is probably one of my darkest hours in life. An old woman today told me that I have my health... but really... I'm physically a shadow of my former self. I eat nothing but fast food and shitty Chinese (I don't have much choice), and I never get to do much of anything physical. I just feel shitty all the time. I'm getting FAT and soft, I can fucking feel it. I can fucking feel myself being less attractive than my male counterparts around me. Pushups and situps are inadequate. And I'm too fucking lazy often to run the treadmill.
My whole life is just CHAOS. I can't fucking stand it.
I try and count my blessings, the only things left that really stop me from driving my car right off the bridge on the way to work (and trust me, I think about it daily now, and oftentimes steer my car and nearly glance the bridge wall)... like Kristin, and Joseph. But honestly, I'm horrified of committing fully to Kristin. I don't know what the fuck I want: single life or another shot at love. Or has my ability to fall in love simple run out? As if it is some finite resource. I really feel that way.
I mean, yeah, I really like her. I enjoy spending a lot of time with her. She actually reciprocates and takes initiative. It's definately a start.
Or maybe this will all end. Everything. I honestly am not sure what I can do anymore to affect anything. I feel spent, but goddamn if I will act sad. I'm still enraged over everything in my life. Fuck those people who cry about this shit.
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| Abreast. |
[04 Sep 2006|07:17pm] |
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music |
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Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch |
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School has started at JD. It's pretty great, and I've met a lot of "Cool New People" or at least gotten to be better friends with people. Crystal, Jericho, Air Guard Guy (keep forgetting his damned name), Lindsey, Nles, Meghan and her friends, etc.
So far the homework isn't so tough. Not yet at least.
I have become infatuated with this extremely awesome woman named Kristin. I say woman because she is a woman. She genuinely cares for me and actually appreciates me for being me. She'll call me, and I'll call her. She'll want to spend time together, even if it means her driving a ways just to do nothing with me. Everything is natural, but any problems thus far are communicated clearly and immediately. Ironically, Kristin is a Pisces: the sign that has gotten my vote for Shittiest Sign Ever (next to Virgo). I guess she has much to teach me about how astrology is poo? Maybe? My only real qualm is that I wish I had never even met Anna and just cut straight to someone who actually wants to "be there". Oh, and she attends Auburn, which is a ways away.
Work sucks.
Thankfully, not too many people have asked me about the "Anna thing", but for those that have, I've tried to be brief. Someone someday may somehow happen upon this entry, so here's something I have copy/pasted from my archives.
"...I realize now that all she really wanted to do was manipulate me to admit that things were totally my fault. I fell right into the trap. I gave my heart and would have gladly laid down and sacrificed so much for someone who knew how much I really did love them, but still purposely and (I am convinced) maliciously did what they did.
A few days ago my friend told me that Ratboy had released yet another blog about me. After moseying on over, I tried to read it, but in the end just got the basic gist of "NO, I AM NOT A WEINER, YOU ARE A WEINER AND NOT ME". I didn't bother to respond but I did find it convenient that the posting date (August 25th) came a day or so after Anna and I decided (well, it was more me deciding for her, because I have determined that she is capable of really NO decision) that there could be no more dialogue between us. I also noticed that the livejournal entry I copy/pasted from the preferred blog that contained the quote was Friends Only at the time. IDN'T DAT CURIOUS???
Adam's always kind of been a non-threat, but it kind of makes me sad to see that Anna really is that kind of shitbag. I realize now that all of her actions really were malicious and downright... subhuman. And when I called her on her bullshit, she always tried to put everything back on me.
"So, you went on a date with my best friend and you continually texted another"
Her response was "BUT YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. AND THEY TALKED TO ME FIRST."
As stated earlier, evidence and accounts show that all parties involved were very much in the wrong. The difference is, I'm pretty sure the others were sorry and learned their lesson. Anna wasn't, instead she lied to downplay everything she had done. Essentially a no-accountability victimizing stance.
Anna decided to make everything public. Well, just her side of the story. She posted the angry message I wrote to her when all the shit hit the fan, but neglected to ever mention how between those times I had been trying to talk to her, try to reason with her, apologize profusely for everything I may have done. She made me look like a real bitch, when all I wanted was a peaceful relationship with her, whether she realized it or not. I still do not know if the thinking behind her actions were a result of stupid fear or avarice, but I do know that her actions were nothing short of the highest degree of cowardice and dishonor. It makes me sick to my stomach that I really fell in love with someone whom I now hate so much, and it makes me even sicker that I bore my soul to such a shitty person. Rot in hell, Anna Sprague, you piece of shit. I've never hated someone so much before in my entire life. And I've never been so disappointed in how I could have let someone like her get so deep under my skin and wound me so badly."
And looking at that, I realize how psychotic that probably looks to the outside world. I really don't care. She cut me real deep. I'm sure she is proud of that, as well. That's all okay though, I honestly pity her. But not for the things she will whine to you all day about. Not for the shit that supposedly is ruining her life. No, I pity her because she's too stupid, too mentally imbalanced, and too fickle to realize what is really going on around her.
Through these experiences I have learned that the internet really is a stupid place. People will lie left and write, and really, Myspace has become a place for people to try and make themselves look better than how they actually are in real life. I mean hell, this entry is an example of that. What's to say that what I post isn't bullshit? All you have is my word. And I have learned that you can trust precious few people based on their word alone.
But please, onto much better news. Joseph returned yesterday. After spending time with Kristin, she left back for her house, and I went over to Matt's where Joseph was.
I had such a good time catching up with him. I even had a good time debriefing him (the only thing I felt really sad about at all was describing the Anna thing) about the events that had transpired during his 6-month absence. Addi hates me for ridiculous reasons. Jamie's going through a pretty rough divorce, but she's winning supposedly thanks to Myspace (how could you possibly expect MYSPACE BLOG ENTRIES or any internet literature to hold up in a court of law?). Cody's got a new love interest ("let's hope this one lasts more than two weeks"). Everyone on the Gulf Coast supposedly hates me--I really would hope that the Gulf Coast would have more pressing concerns than hating someone that they have never met. Blah blah blah. I love talking to him so much about shit because we always end up laughing and joking everything. Perhaps his presence alone will bring a stabilizing influence on everyone... but I hope not. That would mean the shitty people would be allowed to keep being shitty, and good people to keep getting shit on.
And that's all I wrote.
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| A tale of last weekend. |
[14 Aug 2006|11:36pm] |
When I got off work at 9pm, and made tracks for Cody's house. We took his truck to Hattiesburg. When we arrived, the next door neighbor's had a beer pong party in full swing, and Cody met up with his amor. Hellos were exchanged all around.
Johnny and I decided we would go to the Hippo for a bit and enjoy some jazz. Before leaving the party, we met two girls from Nawlins. One of them immediately commented on the fashionableness (that isn't a word) of my jeans, which are practically in tatters.
I love people in high school (or in this case, out of high school) who think that dressing unique and different somehow makes someone extremely revolutionary.
I told her I wore them because they made my butt look abs(th)olutely fabulous(th), and that I was too lazy to purchase new anal-form-fitting jeans. The rest of the conversation kind of went like this:
Blonde: Man, we're from New Orleans... people in this area are SO much more simple!
aZn: Yeah, no one here has any taste in music! They all like crappy classic rock and EUGH COUNTRY! So lame.
Me: I listen to hip-hop and R&B.
Them: Really? That's pretty cool because you should try to be diverse in music tastes! I think a guy who isn't afraid to be diverse is sexy!
Me: I also enjoy country music and classic rock.
Them: OOPS, WE'RE FAKE.
Oh, girls!
They also went on about how all the girls in this area are sluts, which was funny because the blonde one disappeared behind a locked door with one of the neighbors for quite a long time. They must have been discussing philosphy... SEXUAL PHILOSPHY! AMIRITE???? LOL
So Ben, Johnny, and I went to the Thirsty Hippo. Unfortunately, everyone forgot that they were TOTALLY BROKE, except for me. Some people owe me some money now.
It was kind of a let down at first because the big open air part of the bar was a little packed, so we sat next to the pond and I wiped the X's off my hands. Johnny got himself a Newcastle and I got myself two apple-cidar beer things. Can't remember what they are called. Then we went inside and listened to a REALLY awesome blues band. I was clapping and jumping and dancing in my chair. All the older folks looked at me like I was an idiot, but I didn't care: I was buzzed and happy.
When we came back to the apartments, we sat outside and conversated with this girl (who I will just call Sweetie).
You know my favorite part of the whole romantic experience? The first encounter. I love the happy little subtle things that take place that lead up to (almost always in my experience) the eventual heartbreak and lameness. But before that comes blissful happiness. I made the first move. "So, what's your astrological sign?"
"Scorpio"
I wink (making sure she sees) at Johnny and he goes "Is that a good match for a Taurus like you?"
"Yeah, it is!"
So then, I expound somewhat on the subject, and then I start talking about something else. I was talking on about something or other (I think I was saying how we should have really invaded Iran first, if anything, because that would have partly decapitated those pesky A-Rabs), when the thought occurs to me that I was a little tired.
Sweetie offers a seat next to her. I ablige the offer. She then allows me to make physical contact with her in the form of us resting on one another. BINGO. Conversation continues.
So then Johnny and I offer to see if anyone wants to go to Taco Bell with us. Sweetie volunteers. Is she hungry? Nope. But she comes along anyway.
We're two cool guys, we've demonstrated that we're at least more cultured and intelligent than the majority of guys around here. And plus she has made physical contact with me, allowing me into her personal space (most Scorpios in particular are highly selective in choosing who they let into their personal space... so I'm assuming my foot is already in the door).
We go to Taco Bell and I choose what music we listen to, which happens to be a favorite band of mine, the Von Bondies. She says how not enough people like good music like this. Score! Then we play some other shit that I forgot. We get our food, and I put on my favorite Postal Service song. Actually, it's Postal Service BEFORE they were Postal Service. (This Is) The Dream of Evan and Chan. I give a little background on what it all means to me. Again, she says how she loves the Postal Service (who the fuck doesn't?). Well, we get back to the apartments, and she goes back over to the neighbors house, while Johnny and I sit on his porch and eat our Taco Bell.
She then does something I wasn't expecting: she comes up to hang out with us. AH YES SWEETIE, YOU ARE A BOLD ONE, BUT ARE YOU DARING???
So we continue to talk some more and joke around. Remembering something I read on a Myspace bulletin, I said "Hey, there's a meteor shower tonight. Let's go someplace dark!"
Ever the diplomat, Johnny assures Sweetie that she's not going off to a rape party, and we set off for The Myterious Underground Railroad Path, which is near his apartment.
So we're walking along, and eventually start down The MURP. As we're walking and talking (Johnny as always going a mile a minute with his mouth, because he's Johnny and never runs out of things to say), Sweetie and I keep brushing against each other. Oops, my hand brushed against yours. After about 5 minutes of that, her hand accidentally grabs mine.
Somewhere, fireworks go off. But we didn't see them.
We're kind of behind Johnny now as he's talking and talking. We then come upon a drunk girl quietly texting away in a corner on the overpass that sits over Highway 49. I silently made a prayer for her, because I knew she was probably sitting there texting away at an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend or obviously in some state of duress. We sat down a ways from her and looked up at the sky and talked. Not once did Sweetie let go of my hand. Johnny took a cue, and went off somewhere to take a piss: Sweetie and I had our first kiss.
Pretty good.
Johnny comes back, and we all just look up at the sky.
And at that moment, I felt complete bliss. It was like that part in Garden State. The whole night was like the movie Garden State.
We came back sometime around 3am. We hung out for a while with Cody as he debriefed us on his night's adventures. Sweetie and I cuddled more. Then she said she had to go soon. She had work at 11:30am (at a pet store... very cool), and it was like 4am.
So, I walked her outside and to her car. We put each other's phone numbers on each other's phones. And that's when we started making out. I stopped and suggested, "Hey, let's go to the graveyard across the street."
"Okay"
So we crawled under the fence, only to discover we could have just undone a wire and walked right through. She took off in a run, I gave chase. I caught up to her, picked her up, spun around with her, and kissed her. More kissing ensued. Not a whole lot of talking took place.
The only thing ruining the moment from utter perfection was my knowledge that she lives in Petal, and I live in Ocean Springs. I guess she was under the impression that I lived here--and I wish I did live there (and not really for her so much as just in general). As we were leaving to go back to her car, I couldn't help but feel bad. I wonder what she was thinking: she really didn't say much when I texted her the next day. We kissed one last time before she got into her car. Probably the last time we will ever kiss. I'm sure the next time I go up there, we will act as if nothing happened.
And that just as well, I say. I have finally realized just how futile relationships can be. If only relationships could be the way my hookups could be: fun and full of certainty.
I still don't know much about this girl. Her name, her phone number, a couple of details, her sign. Big deal. A 5 hour romance and a few hopeful maybe's. But maybe... it's better that way. Because everytime I learn more about someone, I just seem to find more to distrust about someone.
So what knowledge do I have to show for my experience? I don't know, to be honest. Just that the song "Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin was playing over and over in my head. And the thought that I love experiencing life like this more than fucking anything in the world. Perhaps I'm a masochist, I don't know. I've had so many hookups like this in the past. Every one of them is unique and has always left an impression on me. It's not even like I had sex this time, but it left such an impression on me.
And I can't help but wonder what Anna would think of all this. As I purposely try to move farther and farther away from her, I wonder if she is doing the same thing. Since Thursday, I have slept with one person and kissed another. I work so fast, but don't even mean to. I remain completely honest, but still they come. But they never stay. True, the person I slept with will be leaving pretty soon, and I could definately see a great relationship popping up there if circumstances had allowed. But strangely, I just don't feel anything for anything. I don't feel much for anyone, now. But that's how I wanted it. I'm happy, I guess. I absent-mindedly wonder if Anna will read this and grow jealous and maybe voice her distate (which she has every right). That way I can say "Well, we're over and never getting back together. You called it. Remember? You made the choice to drop it all". It's tragic, too. I could have seen myself getting married to this broad. Past tense. Honestly though I doubt she will care that much. And now, I don't feel much. But again, I had to work at it.
I wonder if anyone else goes through this. I think that while I will never have the certainty of a lasting, trusting, fulfilling, loving relationship, I will always have the first week or so of splendor and hope. The first week of living a lie.
But anyway, I woke up the next morning happy. For whatever reason, happy. I love hanging out with my boys. I wouldn't trade my friends for fucking anyone in the world, and that's something you can take to the bank or to the battlefield.
So then I go onto the internet and read Adam Trochesset's hilarious diatribe.
I'm the one who apparently wets his bed--I see that the story of how I got drunk one night and pissed myself has gotten around. And to be honest, I plotted counterstrike at first. But then I came to the realization that what some psychotic sex offender says really doesn't mean shit to me. Making fun of someone for being fat? That's like making fun of a crippled person. Oh wait, he does that too. I also thought about how lame it was that Anna chose to be friends with him despite him forcibly kissing her and pulling other psychotic shit--also how lame it was for me to even give a shit about any of it. And then I thought, fuck her and her naive ass. There's a difference between forgiving someone, and looking out for your personal safety, and if she wants to associate with people that shady, I don't have to be part of that shit.
And I don't have to give this loser the time of day or even a proper ass-kicking. I don't and won't play into another petty personal war perpetuated by petty and small-minded white trash. He won't do shit except vandalize my property and write Myspace blogs and try to get all of his like-minded friends to dislike me. And I know all he really wants is to beget more bullshit drama and violence in a pathetic attempt to make himself look good and make up for looking like an asshole in front of all the girls (including my sister) whom he has forcibly attempted to sleep with. Just remember, it isn't rape if you aren't successful. And that's all the electrons I'm going to spend on that.
But back to good things, Johnny drove me back to my car in Woolmarket. The ride home was great. Blasting Starlite Desperation and MC5 and Iggy Pop and so many other good bands. I was a mess: I hadn't showered in a while, and my hair and face were a mess. But I was happy.
And now if you will all excuse me, I have to get ready to fight for my right to go to college.
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[06 Aug 2006|05:12pm] |
Go before we both start to say some mean shit
that we can not let go. You know it's broke.
I am such a train wreck.
Getting attention but forgetting lessons I know.
Remembering presents and cleaning up messes I don't.
These are the things that separate you and me
that's why I'm telling you so:
animal-shaped hedges and white, picket fences unknown.
I know alone.
Ignoring caresses and putting up defenses I know.
Subtle persuation and communication I don't.
I broke its wings and tried to teach it to sing...
maybe i should have known.
Do you want to see how much I can take?
Can't you just leave bad enough alone?
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